I am constantly trying to prevent my friends from straying from the right path, but sometimes I feel as though I am being a bit hippocritcal. Is it my place to meddle in their bussiness? Even if I am only trying to help them by reminding them of the right thing to do? In all honesty, I do it with the best of intentions and nothing but kindness in my heart. And, usually, I give the best possible advice for them, as far as morality and happiness are concerned. But sometimes I feel as though they would like it better if I just kept my advice to myself. They just don't understand that I am trying to keep them from making the same mistakes as me. The same failures as me. My fate has already been sealed, and nothing can change that. But it will make me happier knowing that they can still yet have the things they want out of life. So, if you are reading this, my best friends, know that I am only trying to help. Only trying to keep you from making my mistakes. There is a world of promise that lives within everyone, and I want you to go out into the world and do the things you were meant to do, all that I have failed to do...

So I'm pretty sure that it's the coldest that it's ever been in the entire history of the Earth. Period. It was below zero when I got up this morning, and it never gets that cold in Virginia! And here we were all in a tizzy about global warming...but oh well. It took like half an hour for my car to warm up, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get a cold because of this terribly cold weather we've been having here. But the future is bright. It's going to be a whopping 17 degrees today and an even toastier 23 for the weekend. LOL I guess I shouldn't complain too much, I'm always saying how I love the cold weather. And it is true, I do feel more at home during the winter amongst all the freeziness. Probably because I'm so cold-hearted.. ;).
But anyways, I've been thinking quite a bit about my future lately and what I'm going to be doing in it (I know that's completely off subject from the whole winter thing, but just hang in there with me I'm running on ZERO hours sleep). I'm not sure if I want to persue a career in music, which has always been my dream, or to go along a different path. Now I have found several spells or divinations which are supposed to help you choose a decision, but they all sound like old wives tales/ superstition things. For example, one told me to write all of my choices down on tiny slips of paper and lay them on a flat surface outside. The last one to be blown off of that flat surface by the wind is supposedly your choice. Are you kidding me? Is that a for real spell or did someone just make that up? Now of course I'm not doubting the power of Air elemental, but jeez you think magic could come up with something a little more flashier wouldn't you?
Back to my future (told you, I'm so rambling this morning). While I think that I could possibly have a sucessful career as a music composer for film and TV, I'm not sure that I have the means to follow that career choice at the moment. For one thing, I live in the mountains of southwest Virginia, and believe me, the demand for composers is definately not high among the list of employers. So, in turn, in order for me to be sucessful, I would have to move to either New York or L.A., and that's not something that I can quite exactly do right now. That is a HUGE decision after all, that would take a HUGE amount of money to do. But it's always been my dream, so of course I'm going to seriously think about it before starting a different kind of career. Other ideas that I have are-author, paranormal investigator, occult researcher, and historian/archaeologist. So, I'm really at a dead end and don't know where to go from here...any advice for me?

I wrote a poem last month, just before the holidays. It was called "Out of Eden" (see below lol), and it told the sad story of a secret and miserable love that I had for someone. I knew that I could never have them, but the love was there still. I was trapped on that one way street for over 2 years, and now I can honestly say-I am sooo over you, and I will never let you make me sad again. So, I guess you could call this one a conclusion to Out of Eden. Enjoy! <3.

Wow. These last couple of days have been dizzying! So much has happened, I can't believe how things have changed. As I'm sure some of you that are my closer friends know, I have been in what I can only call a exile state for the last month and a half or so. And while I thought that this "exile state" was merely a way for me to shut out the world and be completely independent of everyone, it seems as though I was just taking a little "me time", and along the personal journey I've had over the last two months or so, I have discovered quite a bit about the world and about my self in the process. It's funny how one can be in such a solitary mood for two months, and then all of a sudden realize that you were merely finding yourself!
During my "exile", as I amusingly like to call it, all I did was study all occult related matters. From pouring over the ancient texts of the Greeks, to the mythology of Meso-America and Egypt. I've also been studying more on Earth-based Magic (thanks so much Scott) and Shamanistic practices. So, I guess you could say that there for about two months, I was a member of the Pagan clergy lol. I don't regret my period of solitude, I have learned so much, and I couldn't be happier. I literally feel the power coursing through my veins now, after all that I've learned (some of which cannot be shared here).
And, ironically enough, it was forgiveness and hope that brought me out of my once-thought depressive exile state. Turns out that forgiving someone and putting the past behind you really can change things, and lift the load off of your shoulders a bit. I mean, after all, I already have enough grudges and terrible memories on my heart, the last thing I need is more of them.
So, all in all, I can say that I'm happier now than I have been in a while, and perhaps there is that special someone that has finally came into my life..not just another repeat of my past relationships, I mean, this could be the one!..so keep your fingers crossed. You'll be seeing quite a bit of change in me...I cannot thank enough the ones who have helped me so much in the last two months. My friends Sandy, Naomi, Kristina, Ellis, Carrie, Rhonda, and of course my family, whom I would be lost without. Bless you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you! Without the help of the gods (of course), I feel as though I might have been an exile for the rest of my life. Amphitrite (especially), Eos, Selene, Themis, Demeter, Nike, and of course the Great Twelve, are my inspiration, my hope for the future, and most importantly...my friends. Bless you all and may the light be with you!

It's told that on a dark and cold night,
The one whose heart had been turned to stone,
Broke like a wave upon the sea so bright.
And thought, "Maybe I don't want to be alone."
It cannot be certain, but some might say,
That that was the night he came back to the living
And love in his heart came home to stay,
For life isn't about hate, but instead, of forgiving.
Of course he knew this wasn't the love of his life,
But yet the stranger had shown him the way,
That Love didn't always cut like a knife,
And that Love might again return one day.
His heart came back, and he no longer was hollow
The cold and lonely exile could still yet smile
And had, at last, found the right road to follow,
No matter the miles.
A miracle, they say, is what happened that night,
The rumors still whisper in the wind,
The cold and dark one was given back his right
To be happy in the end.

Written by me (Edward Lawrence) on January 13 2009

The snow falls down,
And brings back the slightest trace
Of a happier time when my frown
Wasn't frozen to my face.

Chill breezes flow through my skin,
To my heart to make it cold,
It's slow beat reminding me of what has been,
And ice in my veins, if truth be told.

I welcome you, Old Man Winter,
Turn my heart to icy steel,
Make me cold and bitter,
So that I cannot feel.

So keep on blowing, cold, cold, wind,
Bring forth your cold, cold, hosts.
For my heart is beyond mend,
And my sight filled with Winter ghosts.

Written by me (Edward Lawrence) on January 9 2009

"No good deed goes unpunished" has always been one of my many mottoes, and it has never failed me. It's funny though, how I can say one thing, but do another. For instance, how I know that no good deed goes unpunished, but yet still attempt to do good deeds nontheless. It's a bit hippocritcal of me, I guess, but Hell, who actually takes their own advice? But as far as good goes, I always try to do right to everyone, and it pays off in the end I suppose. But then these freak of nature things happen where you were only trying to do the right thing, and it backfires, explodes, and destroys everything around you. Unfortunately they happen more often than not.
So my question is, why try to do good at all? I mean, if it always ends in disaster, what good is good? But, being the foolish and kind-hearted person that I am, I suppose that I can hope for the best, and that every good deed doesn't go unpunished. But then again, I hope for a lot of things.
It's funny, but I actually think I've caused more damage to myself and to all the people around me by doing good rather than being mean and nasty like the rest of the world. Misery loves company, they say. But I guess that's just the way I am, and I'll never stop trying to help people as much as I can, no matter what the consequences.
Perhaps it's because of other people being so mean and evil, that the good I try to do for them has the adverse effect. They, being so dark and miserable in their ways, can't handle it if someone sheds some kindness on them. Kind of like a body that rejects a medicine or antidote.
But, like I said, there is always hope. It seems as though hope is the only thing that us pitiful humans have left to cling to nowadays. Hope that the world really isn't as terrible as it seems. Hope that maybe one day we can be happy. And hope that maybe good deeds really don't go unpunished..